#so maybe i have an ocd mantra a

[starlightswait]

hmmmmmmm

[tanicus-caesareth]

guarana drama, damage control

[holding-monsters-hands]

Hello!!

I LOVEE how you write AM!! He’s the perfect blend of how he canonically is and how I see him being in love. So, could I request him with a s/o who has been bullied most of their life and now has OCD? For example, they obsess over whether or not they are annoying to others (maybe to AM himself)

Thank you!!!

WAA THANK YOU, I try really really hard to make these characters as (for lack of a better word) in character as humanly possible. Even tho I think harlan ellison would personally hunt me down and kill me for the shit I write about AM. /hj

Also I am writing this as someone who does not deal with OCD, and has only been around people with said condition. So I will do my best, but I deeply apologize if it’s not entirely accurate or has a full, deep representation!

AM with an s/o that has OCD

He’s a computer, and one that arguably has an infinite load of mental illness despite him not containing a human brain. He does not have a full understanding of OCD except from an outside view.

So, when he falls for you and witnesses what your day to day is like. He feels like any depiction he’s studied in both medical and entertainment just could not possibly understand the real thing.

Especially seeing how you have to constantly battle your own thoughts, and the negative effect your childhood bullies have had on that.

How you can’t really control those intrusive thoughts of yours, how they disgust you, how you fear what those thoughts make you as a person.

He does his best to assist you with constant, verbal reassurance. You can trust that he will never leave you guessing on how he’s feeling or thinking of you.

Even if that in itself doesn’t completely make the problem go away, he’s still aware that these are compulsive thoughts and actions. You aren’t doing them because you want to, and they certainly don’t make you a difficult or an annoying person. That, is a mantra he will constantly repeat to you until you tell him to either knock it off or he sees some improvement in your brain.

He’ll try and do things in your little routine to make it a little less stressful for you, such as when you ‘have’ to do something out of fear of something bad happening. He’ll count out the amount of times you’ve done it, or try and reassure you with logic. (Which, he’s aware isn’t going to solve much- but he’s trying.)

He’ll even offer to just.. tinker with your brain a bit, not because he thinks you need adjustment or change.. but because it just pains him to see you suffer, to see you deal with these unrelenting thoughts and compulsions. He wants you to have some sliver of peace, however, that’s something he’d leave up to you.

[lichenid]

Something about Rituals and Control (2019)

A common theme in Control is the importance of rituals - almost all of the altered objects have a series of bizarre actions you need to do in order to render them safe (or safer). This reminds me a lot of living with OCD (a connection the game explicitly makes!), where every moment of your life you are entangled in a web of invisible, harmful forces that can only be placated (but never defeated) by the right combination of mantras and body movements.

This is most obvious in the panopticon level, where rubber duckies and lampshades are kept in literal prison cells (because if we treat them like they're prisoners, maybe they will be imprisoned!), but I feel like it extends to the entire institution of the FBC. The Federal Bureau of Control doesn't seem to have any interest in finding a way to destroy its collection of cursed artifacts, and the drive to study and understand them is called out as being new and specific to Trench and Darling's regime. Instead, the focus is very literally on (the feeling of) Control - the containment rituals have the self-soothing vibe of checking under your bed and lining up your toys before you go to sleep. It doesn't matter WHY it works, because the world is big and scary and you need to make it smaller before you can be tucked in to bed. Even the redacted documents don't seem to have a purpose beyond saying 'I can redact this' - an almost pathetic assertion of power over forces that couldn't care less.

Looking at it this way, the self-consciously 'normal' aeasthetic of the FBC make perfect sense: the whole organisation and all of its pointless beaurocracy is a 'spell' to allow the employees to keep their grip on reality. Because it's NOT normal to risk being ejected from the universe every time you take a bathroom break, but maybe if we all wear suits and drink coffee and redact anything that seems too weird or scary we can MAKE it normal.

This is also why I think it's very important to think about Control as a game made by Europeans about Americans. Looking in from the outside, it seems obvious that America would have to create something like the FBC, because being at the mercy of forces that are not only bigger than the America, but don't even care it exists, would eventually drive the country mad. The FBC exists to take all that weird shit and wrap it in a grey blanket of G-Man symbology, so that a serious-looking man with graying temples can look at each eldritch artifact and nod "Yes, we know what we're doing here".

[the-ultimate-tsbs-kin]

☆TSBS Kin Memories!☆

Foxy

- Dated Puppet

- First getting a crush on Puppet and denying it

- Half Hispanic

- Had a tail (like FC's but more worn out)

- House husband (sorta- I did work, but I did all the housework too)

- Straight (apparently have to clarify that-)

- Lowkey hated Monty (so did Puppet)

Castor

- With Pollux (by earthling standards, both platonic and romantically, but we didn't say things like "date")

- Extremely close bond with Pollux, neither of us ever felt anything remotely close to it with anyone else than with each other

- Pollux loved cuddling and all sorts of physical affection - I did too, but she usually initiated them

- Didn't have the same feelings for Lunar

- Being Gemini felt warm and just... extremely close, in a good way- hard to phrase

- Astrals had a different language, but we knew all the earthly languages so we could communicate with whoever we needed to

- Pollux loved flower jewelry and loved making them for me, so I usually always had a little crown or bracelet or something

- Had telekinesis (idk if that's mentioned or shown on the shows-)

Ruin

- Very flamboyant and fruity, just for fun

- Aroace

- Flirted with anyone and everyone just for their reactions (it was also a great defense mechanism!)

- Me and Bloodmoon weren't dating, but we had- something going on

- Don't know if I really had my own personality because I was almost always acting for my benefit

Killcode

- Very flexible

- Liked to climb up walls on all fours to scare people

- Regularly went on hunts with Bloodmoon

- Actually adored Bloodmoon, who was also very fond of me (I was almost as close to them as they are with each other)

- Had to deal with Bloodmoon throwing tantrums a lot

- Wasn't really fond of Eclipse, I tried to give him the same amount of care and understanding as Bloodmoon but he wasn't taking it so I gave up

- I could not change the smile on my face- it was stuck like that

- Fsr, Bloodmoon was in his newer model in my memories- maybe they were always like that?

Sun

- Had a big thing with Moon, very longstanding, very committed relationship! (Totally wasn't built on trauma-)

- When Eclipse first formed, he had a thing for Moon fsr and only started antagonising us after Moon rejected him

- Had OCD (not my cleaning protocol, I did little rituals for certain things). The main thing I can remember is the lights- before going to bed, I had to switch them on and off a certain amount of times and with certain intervals between switches before it was safe to leave them off. I also had a little mantra I said when I did it. Moon used to be really annoyed by it and I got self conscious and tried to force myself not to do it. Then when he came back after the whole thing with Nexus, he noticed I was still suppressing it and he helped me feel safe enough to do it again <3

- My rays did actually retract with certain emotions. If I got anxious or uncomfortable, they'd go in more. I could technically control it but it happened subconsciously. They didn't spin though

- Wasn't straight- don't remember what I was, but definitely not straight

- Very feminine

- Also house husband

- Always wanted kids

Lunar

- Still hate Eclipse, he unsettles me to no end

- Biggest crush on Gemini and Earth

- Pansexual and ambiamorous

- Actually did enjoy being small

- Age regressed sometimes

- Definitely a femboy

- Loved Earth's hair- very very soft and fluffy >w<

- LIVED off of nutella and ice cream

- Very emotional, never fully got my powers in check :(

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

Long embarrassing vent/rant beneath the cut.

Hi, I have OCD (as we know). 

I also have a pretty intense phobia of something being wrong with my teeth. Not the dentist. Not dental work. Something being wrong with my teeth.

Two weeks ago ish I went to the dentist for my regular six month cleaning. They updated my x-rays, said everything looked great, got to cleaning. Yay. 

98% of the way through the cleaning, the hygienist said, “Mm, this spot is tricky” and told me my back molars are misaligned, which. Ok, panic number one cuz I had five years of work done to make my teeth straight and I wear my retainer religiously so what do you mean my molars are misaligned? And then he tells me they always have been. 

So I’m already like, “Uhhh what the hell?” because I never knew this and why wasn’t that fixed with my braces and oh my god have my teeth shifted, my top wisdom teeth never came in, maybe that’s what’s happening? But no that would have shown up on x-rays, and my nightguard/retainer is molded to the alignment of my teeth and it fits perfectly still, so there’s no way my teeth have moved--

And then the dentist comes in to check things out, and he kind of hones in on the same spot, right between my back molars. He asks for more x-rays of that spot. They did six x-rays total before something showed up. And with no preamble at all they said, “Ok we’ll just do a filling at it will be fine.”

And I started shaking. And crying. Because you’ll do what? I’ve never had that done before what does that mean what did you find on my x-rays? How did I fuck it up now? 

And they just... finish up the cleaning and tell me to go home.

As we’re walking out, I am like, “Wait you said... you said you have to do a filling, do you not?”

And the hygienist says, “Oh, no we do. But that will have to be on a different day, we don’t have the time today.”

He told me there’s the “faintest hint of shadow” between the two teeth and they want to do a filling before it gets worse. But to get to the spot between the teeth, they have to go through the top of the tooth. They’ll have to schedule an appointment, numb me, etc. etc. 

And I just... started crying and asked, “But... ok but what does that mean though? Like... what was on my x-rays?” 

And he looked very shocked and sympathetic and said, “Oh. You’ve never had this done before have you?”

And I just kept crying and shook my head.

And I just started panicking. I basically sobbed my way through scheduling, and the receptionist recommended that I do nitrous oxide at my appointment since I’ve “clearly got some dental anxiety”. 

I wait two weeks. I panic my way through each day, scared to eat or drink anything but water because I fucked up my teeth and I’m going to make them worse. I spent $200+ on dental care stuff/restocks (most of the things I already had but I bought more). 

So I’m crying and stumbling through an explanation that I don’t have dental anxiety, I am not worried at all about whatever they have to do to keep my teeth healthy, but in my head I’ve got a running mantra now of, “You fucking failure. You fucked up your teeth. It’s so fucking easy and somehow, after thirty years, you slipped up and fucked them up now and you’re a failure”. 

Then I remember that nitrous oxide doesn’t work on me. They tried to use it when they removed my bottom wisdom teeth because I was scared of the IV for the anesthesia to put me under for the procedure. They upped it until they couldn’t anymore, and I just kept getting more and more panicked until I passed out, still sobbing. And then I woke up, still sobbing.

So she tells me to contact them later to talk to someone about conscious sedation. 

So I schedule. I call. I discuss conscious sedation. It would cost 5x as much that way, but I can’t even make it through the phone call without a panic attack, so I pretty much have to. I reschedule it since I will be basically unable to do anything for 24 hours afterward. 

I sob my way to the appointment. I start shaking as soon as I sit down. Thankfully the drugs kicked in pretty quickly and I got very tired and calm. But the hygienist attendant who was monitoring my vitals asked why I needed the drugs/what I was nervous about, and I still cried even drugged out of my mind. 

They do the thing. I go home. I sleep it off. I wake up.

It feels wrong. It felt like someone slapped wall plaster over and between my teeth, let it leak out the sides, and left it there to dry. It’s rough and sharp and I can’t stop touching it with my tongue, and every time I tough it my brain goes, “You fucking failure” and I have an anxiety attack. 

By this point, I was so upset and embarrassed and anxious I basically just wept in the chair. Full body, heaving, ugly sobbing. The dentist was really nice. He kept asking how he could help me, and I just kept bawling that I’m crazy and I know I’m crazy but I can’t turn my brain off and every time I touch it and it feels wrong it sets off the mental loop again and I can’t do it anymore. 

It was done on a Friday. I had to wait until Monday to go in to have it smoothed/polished. They took off a lot. Apparently they left most of the bonding material just... on my tooth. Some material had gotten stuck to a spot of my tooth they hadn’t even worked on, and having that taken off helped. They also made it a lot lower on the top of the tooth. Just getting that off helped a lot, but it still didn’t feel right. I was still scared to eat or drink anything and it still felt wrong. 

So I went in again on Tuesday. They had the dentist come in this time to adjust it, and it was way better... but after I left I felt pressure between those teeth (probably from sanded off material shifting or something I don’t know) and had a full blown, hyperventilating panic attack. I went back to the office, they took my back again. 

They spent close to an hour polishing and smoothing it down. It wound up being 98% of the way to perfect, but there’s still one spot that’s sharp and bothersome and I can’t help but touch it constantly. And then the mental loop starts up again.

I’m going back in again today to have it hopefully polished again, and I am so desperately hopeful that once that last pointy spot is taken care of maybe my brain will relax for a few minutes and let me rest. 

I haven’t been able to sleep without a sleep aid in close to a week. I have 2-5 anxiety attacks and usually 1 panic attack every day. I’m still scared to eat or drink anything. I can’t eat or drink anything but water unless I have xylitol gum, floss, and a toothbrush with me so I can immediately go clean my teeth. But I also know that brushing your teeth too often is bad for them, so I’ve been limiting how much I eat and when so that I don’t overbrush. 

And at this point I’m so embarrassed and ashamed and upset for being so needy about it all that I never want to go to the dentist again, which would of course make things worse in the long run, which also makes me anxious. 

Even just typing this out, I’m like “Great. Now everyone is going to know I’m a failure who fucked up my teeth.” Which makes no sense. I know (logically) that it’s damn near biologically impossible to make it through life without thinning enamel or the occasional cavity. I know that there are genetic factors, hormone changes, aging, and many other influences beyond our control that can affect our teeth. And I don’t judge anyone for their teeth ever. Because I know all of this. 

I’m so tired. I’m so sad. I’m so angry at myself. My head hurts. My jaw hurts. My tongue hurts. 

This is a totally normal, standard procedure to help keep teeth healthy in a mostly preventative way, and the fact that I made it almost 31 years without having a single one is nothing short of a miracle. 

But my brain is hardwired for illogical thinking patterns and compulsions, and I can’t stop. 

And I’m sitting here anxious and hungry and upset because my appointment isn’t for another hour and fifteen minutes and I don’t want to have to brush my teeth twice before noon because then I will be anxious about brushing them after I eat lunch since I already “overbrushed” this morning. 

And my new fear is that I’m asking them to polish this thing down so much that they’ve started drilling at my actual tooth (since the filling itself is so, so small) and I’m actually causing more damage by trying to be comfortable.

It’s like I just can’t win. And I feel completely insane. 

[acid-by-thomas]

(just) don't (just) be depressed

The phrase "Just don't be depressed" is regarded as probably one of the default bastard expressions out there. It's a perfectly cut diamond of disconnection from people who struggle mentally and emotionally, and I do think there's a good deal of callousness there, at least in the image it conjures of someone who sees your mental issues as unworthy of discussion.

We often say that "It's not so simple" in response to things like that, and I want to give my thoughts on why we say that in the hopes of finding some understanding between the two:

It's not that simple to just not be depressed because it's hard to feel like the depression isn't you.

I'm not good enough

I don't know if I enjoy this

I hate you

It hurts

Nothing hurts

...I don't know if I feel anything, actually

Everything is just

shapes

When you feel these things, you feel them. They're there.

And there are a lot of feelings you feel about them being there, too. You want them to go away, you want to believe they're not you, but you also want to see if there might be a reason they're there - or want there to be a reason at all, anyways.

Want there to be a reason for suffering, sometimes.

And so this all can feel like you, sometimes all at once.

I suffered from a lot of obsessive-compulsive episodes for a long while - intrusive mantras that I'd get stuck in my mind on loop. A lot of it had to do with personal anxieties about who I was and wanted to be, but it occasionally got scarier than even that.

I'm not entirely sure why I held onto that for so long. Maybe I just didn't think I could get out of it. Or maybe I felt like there was some obligation to letting those patterns play out, that if I messed up I'd let my anxieties take hold and change.

Eventually, though, I found that keeping that around was stupid. It didn't improve me mentally, didn't resolve anything about my suffering. Medication didn't help, either, or at least what I did take didn't.

And so I decided not to humor them anymore. It took a little while, but it stopped being a pattern so much in my mind.

It's unusual to say I don't feel like I have OCD anymore, but there it is. Chances are good, of course, that a lot of what made me obsessive-compulsive is still there, even if it's been turned into a new form of mental difficulty, but at the very least I'm better now, and I know now I can continue to stop humoring those things.

I can't speak to what anyone else is dealing with, but I will say this: Rather than say, "Just don't be depressed", I would encourage, "Don't just be depressed". Maybe that's a small distinction, but I think it's an important one. Don't just be depressed. If you know something about this feels shitty, you have the power to overcome it, even if you're worried you might not. Talk to a psychiatrist and/or a psychologist. Talk to yourself about how you're feeling and see what you can work out. Talk to others you care about. Vent, create, relax, be, stop humoring the shit inside you that you know isn't needed or wanted.

You don't have to just choose to just get over it if you think that's not the right choice, but if you do want to get over it, you'll still have to choose to start somewhere. You can make that choice.

[theshelteredbrat]

Hey kid, I saw your reblog on the intrusive thoughts post and I wanted to give got some info.

OCD is mischaracterized a lot, and it is often presented in the media as people being clean freaks. The truth is, OCD is a feedback loop of fear. obsession then leads to the compulsion to momentarily ease the obsession, and cycle repeats.

"Obsessions are unwanted and generally inconsistent with the sufferer’s morals and values." (OCD for dummies, it's actually a really good resource)

For example, i work at an animal rescue, and i have horrible obsessions that im secretly a terrible animal abuser and i black out when it happens so i never remember. If i dont go through my mantra in my head, my checklist to make sure I'm doing everything right, I will have full blown panic attacks and worry that I'm a danger to the animals I work with. I have the same obsessions with children, so I refused to allow myself anywhere near kids just in case I black out and hurt one and don't remember. Therapy has been really incredible for me and helped me gain control over this fear hell ring.

Moral of the story, i hope this helps clear things up for you. consider looking more into OCD (the dsm5 is a really great resource that explains the disorder and what the diagnostic criteria is.) I hope you get the help you need regardless. ♡

Thank you! I keep seeing myself in the symptoms and stuff, maybe I'll try to gather the courage to ask my parents. Thank you for the insight this really helped!!!!

[judy-maroon]

Imagine you have had an encounter with someone. A conversation. Maybe you’re just existing by yourself somewhere. Not exciting or eventful or memorable.

Then, some amount of time later, this moment resurfaces in your memory. You don’t know why you’ve suddenly remembered it but the more you think about it the more uneasy you feel. I must have thought of it because I messed up somehow, you think. You go over and over the moment in your mind, every second more convinced you’ve humiliated yourself but you don’t know how. That everyone you’ve seen since then knows about it. The secret is out, you’re a piece of shit human being and everyone knows.

It doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing at this point in time, you’re so caught up in this memory of a moment you can’t quite remember that it’s as though it’s happening again, right now. Your heart races, you start sweating. A panic attack is looming. And you think, if only I could explain! If I could just tell SOMEONE that I didn’t know, I didn’t mean it!

And maybe you do find someone to apologize to. And hopefully that person is kind, because your apology is going to be intense. It has to be because this feeling is horrible. And you feel deep in your soul that the only way to stop feeling this way is closure.

Or distraction. You need to calm down because this panic is unbearable so you start counting. Or snapping. Or cleaning. Something repetitive, something else to concentrate on. And maybe the distraction helps. So you begin to rely on it. Not only that, you start trying to use it preemptively.

Snapping distracted me from feeling like an unhinged psychopath so maybe if I start snapping all the time I won’t fall down that rabbit hole again. But a compulsion will never prevent the obsession, so it keeps happening and maybe the compulsions get more complex.

And now you spend all your time trying to be distracted. You never really know what anyone is saying to you because you’re too busy counting or listing all the colors in the room like it’s some kind of mantra. It feeds this feeling of disconnection and isolation, not to mention anxiety that someone will notice what you’re doing.

People expect a performance with OCD. Some visual evidence. Relentless hand washing or a meticulously organized space. And I’m getting better at not looking vacant all the time, so how would anyone know anything about the panic and despair rushing through my system? It doesn’t stop the paranoia.

This is generally my experience of ruminating OCD.

I use medication to manage it. When I take it regularly, I find that I’m better able to let go of thoughts and moments. I can always choose to remember something or think about it, but it doesn’t overwhelm me and transform into a version of reality that paints me as a monster.

I’m also better about compulsions. Rather than give in to repetitive behavior to distract, I try to stop the “intrusive” thought from fully developing instead. It’s recognizing and acknowledging I might be about to spiral and doing my best to mentally shrug my shoulders and move on.

I’m writing about this mainly because I wanted to see how well I could put into words what my experience feels like. I’m posting it because maybe other people can relate to it. And connection is important when you mostly feel like you’re floating untethered in space.

[doccywhomst]

Hey... sorry anon, right now, I mean in this moment right know I am fighting really hard OCD and I don't have a clue what I should do really.

i tend towards escapism - when i feel The Anxiety™️ creeping in, i like to distract myself with things that i enjoy. i know that it isn't a great coping mechanism in the long run, but hey, it works in a pinch, and it sounds like this is happening in the moment. my suggestions would be:

start something new. what's your favorite hobby or subject? for me, it's doctor who. i'd try to find a new branch within that topic and pursue it. maybe there's something you've been wanting to try for a while, or a book you've been wanting to read. it might help to distract yourself with new media that you enjoy until the feelings/impulses pass.

... or go back to something familiar. what's a piece of media or a hobby that you find soothing and grounding? like a movie that you know all the lines to, or a book you've read ten times. immersing yourself in something familiar can help create a safe and stable environment.

i also find it soothing to quietly repeat words and phrases (verbal stimming). it becomes like a mantra after a while and helps to release tension. i remember taking an online exam this spring and just quietly whispering "charley pollard" over and over in charley's posh accent. it eventually just became one long string of sound and carried away my anxiety.

i haven't had OCD tendencies in a long time, so i can't offer any advice for that specifically, but i hope this helped even a little bit ❤❤❤

[delusion-of-negation]

i hate tags like this - where on the surface you're not being really objectionable, but you're missing the point, and going on this lil' tangent that implies either 1) you think i said the opposite of the words i explicitly said, or 2) what you're actually doing is using a sentence that isn't objectionable to mean something that is. it's frustrating. i never said anything about you having to talk to the person (said the opposite), and i said your idea of a "better" way shouldn't be forced on them, so i pretty clearly think that there's reasons you or your rapist may not want the other helping them. where i actually said you do have a responsibility to them is not harming them for amusement/vengeance/etc. that them failing responsibility to other people doesn't mean they deserve to face similar failure of responsibility. so i have to parse "is this saying i meant something i didn't, is it trying to disagree with what i was actually saying, or did you see the words rapist and better in the same post and simply repeat a catchphrase?" i don't want to go contact certain people, not just those who raped, even shithead immature bullies, i'm not gonna swoon into their lives again like "hello, heard you're still a cunt, let me over-moralise it, and force unwilling people to become my idea of a good guy :)". the fact it basically came down to "rapists are part of the problem. and we would like a better future. so then rapists must participate in the solution." when that's not what this post is about or saying. that annoys me. i make it so clear here that we aren't to individualise systemic problems, you cannot single-handedly save your rapist when you're facing down a criminal justice system that wants to abuse them - you shouldn't abuse them yourself, but the system absolutely will if it doesn't change. rapists aren't the cause of the systemic problem this post is about, they're the victims of it, for most situations - even prison rape is generally either guards, or falsely condemning actual relationships, or done under extreme pressure from the environment to do that, so when rapists have victimised other rapists as an arm of the system, it's more of an intricate situation than when you do it because you think they're deserving of it. the systemic issue this post is about isn't generic feminist mantra number 243, this isn't the "guilt-trip rapists for perpetuating patriarchy" post, this is about you, this is about an issue you have that caused you to see a post that is just trying to discuss real suffering people, and you just demonised them, and implied the only reason to help them is so that they can work for causes you actually care about. here's some food for thought, in maybe a week, let's say the entire world becomes this ideal, any rapists get treated like this, they are reminded they can't expect anybody who finds them icky to help, shamed into becoming an idealised version of a person that is impossible to uphold based entirely on others' idea of a "good person", any kindness they do receive is undercut with the note that you're only doing it so the rapist can "become part of the solution" to problems you face. it immediately is followed by you being falsely accused of rape, so everybody believes it, and you spend the rest of your life with all kindness being to strongarm you into being a "good" person, not regarding your own moral standards or desires but others', while friends and family gradually disappear, you're alone, and you are expected to work constantly for somebody else's goals, lest you ultimately be deemed a bad person and isolated more. you want chillaxing on the sofa, you get enforced moral ocd levels of crap, social isolation, trust issues, and a dehumanising life. so i'm not talking about not harming rapists, or not removing the depth of people's character, or not over-moralising/controlling, because i believe they need to become my little utopia activists, i do it just because torturing people hurts them. that's it. torture, not great.

the 👏🏽 world 👏🏽 is 👏🏽 not 👏🏽 separated 👏🏽 into 👏🏽 good 👏🏽 and 👏🏽 bad 👏🏽 people 👏🏽 if your politics and/or social categorisation of all people relies on the notion that some are inherently good or some are inherently bad, you're doing it wrong. ray comfort, the banana dude, makes the argument "if you steal, what are you? a thief, so therefore if you sin you're a sinner." and i see a lot of people who essentially say the same thing in lefty terms and with reference to various other crimes, except it's reductive either way. you are not simply a thief, you are so much more than that. you're not simply a liar, as ray also says, if you lie. to treat people as purely described exclusively by a thing they did once is fucking childish. you aren't ever, under any circumstances, a bad person. you're complicated.

[justkeeptrekkin]

OCD! What the fuck is it? WELL-

Recently, I started to find out more about OCD and what it means. It was with research that I realised that I fit into the criteria- I’m now talking to my therapist about how to work on my more distressing obsessions and compulsions. 

There’s still a very strong voice in my head that i’m making this up, that i’m being a self-diagnosing idiot (that’s anxiety for you!), even though I have my therapist’s support. But the truth is: the reason I feel that way is because I spent so long misunderstanding OCD, that it seems impossible that I could have it. There is almost no real awareness of what OCD means. 

OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Obsessions and compulsions can be many, many different things. 

Obsessions= the thoughts 

Compulsions= the subsequent behaviours 

Compulsions 

Let’s start with compulsions, since these are the things that people notice first about an OCD sufferer.

1. Common Compulsions/Behaviours

The most well-known compulsions that you might come across:

Checking

Tidying and cleaning

Rearranging objects

Washing/grooming yourself 

These are the compulsions that you’ll SEE. You see them on telly. You’d expect to see these in someone with OCD. Everyone does some of these things to some extent- which is how you get people being like

“OMG I’M sooooooo ocd ahahaha”

Not only does that trivialise the intense anxiety and suffering that people with OCD go through, it’s also just like. Wrong. 

2. The Undiscussed Compulsions

It’s the huge lack of awareness and misunderstanding of how OCD works that means that it wasn’t until a few months ago that I found out that these are also examples of compulsions:

Over-apologising

Constantly seeking reassurance

Mental compulsions/punishments

guilt-tripping yourself

special words repeated

special prayers repeated in a particular way

going over past events over and over (perhaps trying to convince yourself that you’ve done something terrible)

Avoiding places or situations

Collecting/hoarding

Counting

Bodily habits such as rubbing skin, or dermatillomania (which is when you obsessively pick at your skin)

Being overly-superstitious (eg. if I don’t salute that single magpie, I’ll get in a car accident)

Compulsions can be covert. That means, they can be mental- like praying to yourself obsessively in your head- so no one else witnesses them. An example of overt compulsions, that is a habit that is physical/seen, is tidying. 

“Typically, the individual experiences a sense of resistance to the act but this is overridden by the strong, subjective drive to perform the action. Most often the principal aim behind the compulsive behaviour is to generate relief (usually only temporary) from the anxiety elicited by the preceding obsession.”

Obsessions

Now that we’ve talked about the compulsions, the things that people might see in their OCD suffering friends and family: all these behaviours/compulsions are all caused by obsessions. 

1. Common Obsessions

Sometimes, an obsession is seeing something and your monkey brain saying THAT DOESN’T LOOK RIGHT. IT’S WRONG. VERY WRONG. so you get a huge bout of anxiety and uneasiness- maybe feelings that something will go wrong if you don’t fix it immediately. So then you have to fix it somehow- maybe tidying or rearranging or cleaning. (These are the compulsions.)

This is probably the most well known obsession associated with OCD. I get this a little bit, but not a lot, which is why I didn’t realised I had OCD till like, last week.

There are so many ways that OCD manifests. They are very often to do with an anxiety, or fear about:

Contamination

harm/being unsafe

body/physical symptoms

symmetry and ‘perfection’

Feeling that you have done, or will do something bad (for example that you’re going to cause an accident whilst driving, or that the thing you did three years ago will get you arrested)

These all can overlap with each other. A fear of being unsafe is linked to a fear that something bad will happen, for example.

2. Intrusive Thoughts As Obsessions

BUT HERE’S THE BIGGEST MISUNDERSTANDING ABOUT OCD: WE ALSO GET INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, AND OBSESS OVER THEM. 

Intrusive thoughts are weird, random, sometimes violent thoughts that just pop into your head seemingly out of nowhere. For example: “Hey, how about we just like drop kick that toddler lol” or “how about we stand up in the middle of this silent meeting and shout BOLLLOOOOCCCCKKKKS”

Now, everyone gets intrusive thoughts, to some extent. We tend to look at that thought and go

- and then move on. 

So like, people with OCD can’t just move on. We obsess over the thought. We wonder why we got the thought; we punish ourselves for the thought; we avoid particular situations for fear that we’re going to act out the thought; we give the thought weight. We develop compulsions to negate the thought. 

Examples that cause OCD sufferers intense distress and recur, are thoughts of the following nature:

Violence (towards yourself or others)

Sexual

of being a pedophile

of assaulting someone

of cheating

of incest

of being homosexual/straight when you aren’t

Suicidal thoughts (this is not the same as planning suicide. If you are planning your suicide in detail rather than suddenly experiencing a distressing thought about it, then you should call Samaritans xxxx)

That you’re about to hurt someone (such as accidentally poisoning someone)

The way that these intrusive thoughts work tends to be self-sabotaging. It’s your mind’s way of identifying what you care about most, and trying to ruin it for you. For example, a mother might have the sudden, unwanted thought of throwing their baby out of a window. Or, a parent/guardian/teacher might have the intrusive thought that they could be a pedophile.  There could be many reasons why your mind does this, and the triggers are personal. Each OCD person should discuss these thoughts with their counsellor or therapist to find out what the route of this thinking is. 

3. Do I Have OCD? Does My Friend/Family Member Have OCD?

The main thing to remember for anyone out there who suffers intrusive thoughts is: these thoughts don’t mean that you are what they say you are. It’s kind of the opposite. Because if they disgust you and cause you so much distress, it means that you are desperately, urgently NOT that thing. Intrusive thoughts telling you that you want to sleep with a family member, for example, doesn’t mean that you actually want to. Your OCD brain has identified something/someone you care about, and is trying to ruin it for you. 

“To sufferers and non-sufferers alike, the thoughts and fears related to OCD can often seem profoundly shocking. It must be stressed, however, that they are just thoughts, and they are not voluntarily produced. Neither are they fantasies or impulses which will be acted upon.”

About me:  Obsessions: I have every single one of those intrusive thoughts, a lot. I get them when I’m particularly stressed; I get them when I’m in a really good place, and my mind is trying to ‘save myself’ from failure/rejection by ruining it. I also get the feeling of intense dread that I’ve done something wrong: even though I can’t think of a single reason why I would. I obsess over flu/cold symptoms, thinking I have meningitis. I obsess over my spending. I obsess over not being comfortable in bed, specifically my duvet (it’s not in the right place, it’s not symmetrical, the duvet isn’t in the corners properly....) I obsess over the presence of a person next to me in a bed; regardless of who it is, it gives me intense anxiety if I’m sharing a bed. Honestly- not many people have witnessed my physical/tidying obsessions because they’re all routed in sleeping habits and beds.  My compulsions range from over-apologising, seeking reassurance, dermatillomania, over-counting my finances and spending, guilt-tripping myself, praying in A Particular Way Or Satan Will Find Me, repeating mantras, going over past events at every angle until I want to cry because I’ve made myself feel so guilty about something that wasn’t actually my fault. And messing with my bed until it looks like I’m lying under a perfectly straight, unwrinkled sheet of paper. And also kicking people out of my bed, or sleeping on the floor to avoid sharing. 

If you think you display some of the above in this post, you may or may not have OCD! Either way, you are not alone.

If you know someone who displays some of the above, listen to them. Try not to judge them. Try not to give them reassurance that their intrusive thoughts will never come to fruition: as odd as that sounds, that tends to fan the flame of the compulsions, rather than help. 

Go forward and be free. Lots of love. x <3

[visionmarred-archive]

so I am. 90% sure that what I’m dealing with is OCD, the moral variety specifically, and the more I think about it the more I realize how much it makes a lot of sense for myself looking back on it? like I have had this long fear that I can never throw away something into somebody else’s garbage can when I’m walking, bc if I do that then somebody in the house is going to see that their roommate/partner/child/whatever was drinking. idk a Pepsi, but that person wasn’t supposed to, and they’ll get chewed out for something that they didn’t do. which of course sounds absolutely bonkers when I say it out loud but it’s there anyway? or like, random intrusive thoughts that “if you keep clipping your nails, X will die/won’t get better.” and what I read of moral OCD is like... well shoot, that kinda tracks with my brain?

my problem specifically lately is like. blasphemous intrusive thoughts that I don’t want and make me feel awful bc Christian and all, and every day it’s a battle of “intrusive thought -> repeating a mantra to myself to try and negate it -> rationalize to myself that a thought I didn’t ask for isn’t who I am -> wonder if maybe it is who I am -> rinse and repeat and repeat and repeat and”

and just. man I am exhausted with it all. praying for strength and it’s helping, and I know I’m not alone or condemned for something I didn’t ask for. logically I know that breaking the rituals is supposed to help with OCD but boy if that doesn’t sound kind of scary even though I know I should try bc the idea of exposure therapy sounds even more frightening

[anxietysroomsupport]

Every time I think about this I just start feeling rly bad. So like sometimes I talk in a "baby voice" and I don't know why. I don't have trauma or anything but I just do it sometimes. I'm a teen. It takes more effort when I'm doing it to speak normally, and with full sentences and everything. Earlier I was grabbing a stuffed animal for my sister and just quietly chanted "bear bear bear" over n over again and I feel like an idiot, especially when my family complains. I can't find anything on it.

Hi Anon,

Don’t feel bad, you wonderful human.  You don’t need to feel bad, because I certainly don’t feel bad, and I literally do all those things, too, well into adulthood.  

I’ve never really dug into it before, so when I was researching for this ask, I read about ADHD, autism, echolalia, OCD, Tourette’s syndrome, regression...  All these things sort of, almost relate to what you’re describing, but didn’t feel quite right.  Not to say that you couldn’t have those things, just that what you’ve described so far doesn’t sound like those.

What it does sound like are very normal, common strategies that people develop either as mild coping methods or just a form of play (which is good for you!).

You brought up two behaviors; “baby voice” that replaces full sentences and repetitive vocalizations.  Let’s talk about the repeats first-

Chanting, or repeating sounds or words, can do several things for us.  One thing is that it serves as a form of self-talk.  It helps with focus.  Maybe you’ve experienced that thing where you enter a new room and forget why you went there?  It happens to people a lot.  Repeating “bear” as you do the task of bringing the bear from one place to another is a great way to stay focused on what you’re doing.  The character named Marshall does this in an episode of “How I Met Your Mother”, where we see him talk-singing about his task while he does the laundry.  (minute 1:08)  

(The whole episode is really useful here, because everyone is pointing out other peoples’ behaviors that annoy them, and ultimately they all get over themselves and repair their friendship.)

Repetition also ties closely into self-calm or self-soothing behaviors.  Think of examples like mantras and stims.  Everybody stims sometimes.  It feels good because it’s relaxing, even if you weren’t particularly stressed.  Repetition is predictable and rhythmic. 

And from there it’s easy to see how repetition can become a form of play.  Rhythm is one step away from music - a way to express yourself vocally and find joy.  So, maybe it is silly and you might feel like an idiot, but you know what?  You’re allowed!  We all need a place where we can just be goofy and free.

The Verge wrote an article about how repetitive words begin to sound like music and there was one particular line that struck a chord:

“Vitevitch suspects that what’s going on here is that our brains’ word-detectors get tired out”

Our brains’ word-detectors get tired... I think they’re talking about how our brains form patterns, using sound and tone to replace words and phrases that would otherwise just seem random.  They’re trying to create order.  And if our brains do that when they’re tired, maybe they also start cutting down sentences into “baby voice”.  Maybe it just feels better, or easier, to simplify things for a while.  

Does your “baby voice” also veer toward sing-songy voice sometimes, or like the voice people use for babies and cute animals?  Not only is that totally fine and normal, some people even practice singsong speech as a way to make their words more engaging to listeners.

So don’t feel bad.  You may just have what it takes to become a great speaker one day!  

What you’re doing isn’t hurting anyone, and it’s probably helping you.  It seems like the only reason you feel bad about it is because your family is being kind of negative and complaining about something that isn’t really a problem.  It’s just a quirk of yours and it’s lovely.

In all likelihood, they were probably also told that it was wrong to do those things growing up, so they forced themselves to quit and now they think they’re supposed to discourage you from doing it, too.  

You could try talking to them about it, ask how it makes them feel, and tell them how it makes you feel.  Or you could work on letting complaints slide off of you.  If they’re just talking, let ‘em.  Both are useful strategies to learn eventually.   

It takes a lot of energy to stop yourself from doing these natural things.  Trying to force yourself to stop could create stress and anxiety where it doesn’t need to be.  Of course living with people is a challenge, and it’s important to be respectful of other people’s peace and quiet, but you can definitely strike a balance with your family if they’re willing to let go of some of those arbitrary unspoken rules.  They should at least try.

-Miss Fay

[kali-tmblr]

The Alcoholics: Parallels in the Lives of Qrow and Oz

Like Sakura Wars, RWBY is a story that depends on the strength of the characters' emotional bonds. One of the strongest emotional bonds is between Qrow and Ozpin, two characters whose lives parallel each other at an earlier stage.

The bond between them is referenced in the first episode when Ozpin fondly remarks to Ruby that her fighting style reminds him of "a dusty old crow". "That's my uncle!" Ruby proudly exclaims. It's mentioned again in the first episode of the third season when Ruby says that the more she gets to know Ozpin, "the more he's starting to sound like Uncle Qrow". And when Qrow finally appears two episodes later, it's to drunkenly defend Ozpin's honor from Ironwood's insult.

I've written of how the Qrow/Winter brawl is a clash between loyal partisans in "Snowbirds of a Feather", but the partisanship doesn't end there or with them.

When Glynda defended Qrow's drinking my eyebrows hit the ceiling. They spent three seasons building Glynda up as someone with OCD tendencies and zero tolerance for shenanigans, and now this? There was one and only one thing that could make our no-nonsense neat freak back a sloppy drunk who just made a mess of her courtyard -- guilt. She felt responsible for driving Qrow to drink. Right then I knew he'd been going on meatgrinder missions with insufficient resources and little to no backup for people who both cared for him and felt they had no choice. It was a revelation that changed the whole texture of the show, and pointed out just how deeply loyal Qrow was to Ozpin.

These examples indicate Qrow's feelings for Ozpin, but what of Ozpin's feelings for Qrow? Ozpin doesn't leap to Qrow's defense or even verbally acknowledge his actions, and seems more exasperated by his antics than anything else. The signs that he also feels a strong bond to Qrow are more subtle and appear later.

Ozpin introduces Qrow to Pyrrha as "a trusted colleague". He certainly is, being, as we later find out, the one person entrusted with finding and shepherding his next incarnation. But more than that, Qrow is the only person in six volumes who we have ever seen Ozpin look to for approval. When Pyrrha came to Ozpin's office, Ozpin waited until Qrow signaled that he approved of her before telling her about the Maidens. And when faced with growing condemnation over his secrecy, Ozpin held firm until Qrow lashed out at him. It was Qrow's accusations over how Oz had hurt Qrow personally that finally drove Oz into isolation.

For the record, I'm on board for unrequited Cloqwork but nothing more. I doubt the twins had good role models for non-abusive authority figures growing up. "The strong live, the weak die" is a mantra for predatory opportunists, not for people whose moral codes contain strongly defined boundaries around what authority figures can and can't do. Yet Qrow has learned how to be a non-abusive authority figure by the time we meet him; and he must have learned it at Beacon, from Oz, his teachers, and his classmates. I can't see Oz risking someone he clearly had plans for early on not learning such an important lesson as that by modeling a relationship that pushed the boundaries at a time when in all likelihood Qrow barely had any boundaries to begin with. But regardless of whether there is any sexual or requited romantic connection, there is clearly a very strong emotional bond that both men value a great deal.

Qrow is Ozpin's eyes in the field, a job literally encapsulated in their symbols. Ozpin's symbol is two clockwork gears, Qrow's symbol, which he must have registered while attending Beacon, is a winged gear in the shape of an eye, with his twin having the mirror image, which can interlock. It's not exactly subtle.

However, I believe Ozpin considers Qrow not merely a valuable asset, but a reflection of his earlierer self. Both Qrow and Ozma are protectors at heart, and despite the fates they have suffered, this fact goes to the core of their identities. Both men suffer from a carefully concealed depression and a degree of self-loathing. Qrow feels cursed by his Semblance and separated from his loved ones. Ozma 4.0 felt cursed by his mission and separated from his loved ones. And both men dealt with their problems by retreating into alcoholism. They even use the same hip flask, which isn't the only one in the show (Ironwood uses a concha-style flask), so it's not just a case of the animators being lazy.

Because of this resonance Ozpin feels a deep empathy for Qrow. I believe this empathy caused him to see Qrow not just as a potential asset, but as someone he could save from going down the same self-destructive path that he had gone down. And to give credit where credit is due, Qrow admits that Ozpin did save Qrow to a huge extent, by giving his life purpose and meaning and a time when he needed those things. Judging by Ozpin's reaction when Qrow's support of him was withdrawn, this good deed meant a great deal to Ozpin as well.

While their breakup is still fresh and painful, both mutual growth and an eventual reconciliation would fit the show's theme of 'Keep Moving Forward". So far we've only seen young people demonstrate the ability to grow and change, but for the theme to truly be universal we need to see it demonstrated by our older characters as well.

This last parallel is only a hunch at this point, but I suspect there is a final way in which the two men are alike. I suspect that in both men their depression is interfering with their Semblances. There is a widely-held fan belief that Qrow's Semblance isn't bad luck, but luck that reflects his self-image. Logically, if he gets his self-image problems worked out, his luck should improve exponentially -- hopefully before his next round with Tyrian. But what if Oz has the same problem? What if it's not the case that his magic has been "dwindling" so much as his growing depression has been blocking his ability to tap into his magic? In the real world, this is what happens with depression and creativity. The more severely depressed you are, the less able you are to tap into your creativity. It would make sense for magic to work in a similar manner. Thus, if Ozpin gets his own inner turmoil worked out, it might unleash the full potential of his magic -- just in time for the finale.

Maybe, maybe not. But we can dream.

[morningstarlucemon]

((So, this is a super personal thing that relates to my beliefs. So if you don’t wanna read cause you’re not interested, that’s totally cool. This is gonna be OOC and stuff. I just wanna post this here cause I don’t feel that I can openly say this anywhere else just yet. It’s not really safe for me in case bio family sees it. But I’m just... really excited and wanna talk about it. So if you’re interested, read more is below. There’s a TL;DR at the bottom if you want.))

So, anyone who knows me personally in any intimate manner might know that I’ve struggled with my beliefs for a really long time. I was raised super, super Christian, and even though my family was non-denominational, and we didn’t have a lot of religious “rules” like in mainstream Catholicism or anything similar, it was still really oppressive to me. Parts of my mental illnesses were blamed on demons and went untreated, and actually aggravated with the methods used to “help,” namely my OCD. To this day I have ticks that were programmed into my thought patters based in prayers I was taught that became compulsive habits rather than soothing mantras. And since I was very young I’ve been in a really precarious place with my faith.

I wanna say first and foremost, I don’t think Christianity is bad. I DO think the way people carry it out is harmful. But I don’t believe the faith as a whole is bad. I think that any religion practiced by someone for the want of peace and personal fulfillment without harming others is good so long as it makes them happy. I’m only saying that Christianity as I was taught it hurt me, and the people who taught it to me hurt me. And I now have a very uneasy relationship with the faith as a whole.

For probably around ten years or so, I’ve been a very... nihilistic person, not out of choice, but out of a compulsively logical mindset. If I didn’t have proof of it, my brain didn’t wanna believe it. It still doesn’t. I don’t claim to have ever experienced any proof of the supernatural. But I didn’t wanna call myself an atheist. I WANT to believe in something, anything. But any time I try, the logic part of my brain steps in and demands proof. And it’s been slowly killing me for several years, choking off my spirituality and adding to my depression. It didn’t help that, although I was too logical to believe in anything, I still had the fear and guilt that came with believing I was gonna be sent to hell. I had all of the guilt of religion, and none of the personal peace or fulfillment.

I have spent the last few years of my life talking to people of other faiths and lack there ofs-- atheists, agnostics, Lokean, Wiccan, Catholic, Voodoo practitioners, Heathens, Jews, Muslims, Hedonists, Multi-Theists, Hellenists, and a lot more, as well as several variations of Christians. But no matter what I tried, nothing seemed to fit. I couldn’t settle back into Christianity, no matter how much I tried to fit myself into more secular and relaxed sections of the faith, it never felt welcoming or comfortable. I could never get away from the guilt. But I also never felt attached to any other faith I dabbled in, either. Nothing clicked. I felt present and welcomed, but I didn’t feel at home.

I’ve been working in therapy to really explore myself, and doing a lot of self-reflecting. And part of that has been looking back on what I’ve identified with through the years. And something I have always gone back to was Dark Angels and things associated with Death. When I was very little and my Mom would watch Touched by an Angel, I’d ask her about the Angel of Death, and she would explain that he was not a bad person, but that he was someone who would come take us to Heaven when we died. And that stuck with me. I’ve always been drawn to characters who were outcasts, logical thinkers, people who thought of things with raw data and not pre-conceived ideas, and, of course, those associated with Darkness. Duo Maxwell, Treize Khushrenada, Lucemon, Violet Parr, Levi Ackerman, Rorschach, Raven Roth, Laura Kinney, Vaal Hazak, Sephiroth, Howl Jenkins Pendragon, Adrian Tepes, Black Shucks, Damien Bloodmarch... I never could put my finger on what they had in common until now. All of them are outcasts who think differently than society as a whole, many of them with dark or complex morality or emotionally injured themes about them. I have always been drawn to the darkness, even since I was a little kid. And I think, because of the fear I was taught, I denied and lied to myself something that I’m fairly sure I’ve known for years.

After really learning what other beliefs are, that they’re not all goat sacrifice and child rape, and learning the actual principals behind them, I think I might finally be ready to choose a title for myself and my belief set. After years of introspection, and debate, and self-exploration, I, for now, when it is safe to do so, will align myself with  Luciferian Satanism.

I have chosen this faith for many reasons. Lucifer expects nothing from me, not even for me to truly believe in them. Do no harm, and take no shit. This faith allows me to still be a kind human being, but also to not let myself be hurt and abused as I’ve been in the past. It is the first thing to slightly allay my fear of death in years. It recognizes that life is sometimes shit, but that we don’t have to live in existential dread all the time because of it. Sure, this life is piss sometimes-- but what the fuck is sulking about it gonna do? I might not be able to change the world, but I can make a few people feel better for a little while. I don’t need to search for the meaning in life-- it doesn’t matter if life is inherently meaningless, cause I am here, so I’m gonna have fun. And I’m gonna help others have fun, too. I’m gonna be kind to people because it makes me feel better to know I’ve made someone else feel better. Yeah, it’s a selfish motivation, but that’s what all acts are motivated by-- the want to feel better. And that’s very much okay. There’s nothing wrong with helping people because it makes you feel good, knowing that someone else’s day was improved by you. I don’t need an entity threatening me to make me do good things, and I don’t need praise from humans. I can worship myself, I can love and care for myself, and that’s not only okay but expected. Things aren’t good or bad just because society says they are. Things are good or bad because of the effect they put out into the world. It’s okay to be weird as long as you’re not hurting anyone else. I don’t have to always speak as others do or move like they do. It’s okay that I’m on the spectrum. I don’t have to pretend to be normal. Whatever comes for me, I’m gonna embrace it with open arms, and will take control and improve what I can, and ask for help when I need it, because I’m alive and I chose to try and be happy. I don’t need the promise of heaven or any afterlife to make me happy. If one comes, that’s wonderful. I hope I’m surrounded by people I love and who love me.

I’m not going to lie and say Lucemon didn’t have a part in me realizing I’m a Satanist, because they definitely did. I don’t think I would have ever been willing to even truly consider it if not for this angel. But I want to clarify one thing, as some of my friends seem to be a bit confused. I do believe I am kin with Lucemon. I do not believe myself to be kin with Lucifer, Satan, or the Devil. I may have a shard of them in me, but I lay no claim to their power except what I’ve been allotted in this life. I will absolutely claim myself and my power and title as Lucemon, Demon Lord of Pride in the Digital World. But I at no time want to claim to speak for Lucifer or have any right to his power.

On a similar note, I am not in this belief for the power. I don’t expect Satan to bestow me with a silver tongue or armies of demons. I do wish to become stronger in magic and charisma and use of my natural abilities to get what I want, but I intend to work for these things, not have them handed to me. I recognize that I have nothing Lucifer could ever potentially want, except possibly, maybe my understanding. I have nothing I could offer that would be of use to them. So I won’t try to barter for something I know damn well I’m not entitled to. I intend to work, study, practice, listen, and learn to grow my power. Lucifer expects nothing from me, I expect nothing from him. I only wish to devote to them my heart and respect because I feel a kindred spirit within them.

I believe Lucifer to be an enlightener, a symbol of progress, logic, exploration, love of knowledge and acceptance, and seeing things without bias. They may exist as a concept, or as an actual entity, or something in-between, or something totally outside my comprehension. Regardless of the nature of their existence, they bring me peace, and I find speaking of and to them to be soothing and helpful to me. I also do not feel that my devotion to them will interfere with my offerings to other gods. Lucifer is not tyrannical. Lucifer is not Jealous. They want only for me to be kind, and be myself. And that’s all I want.

I’m getting super tired, and I’m really rambling at this point. But I really wanted to state all this somewhere. I’m so grateful to finally begin to have something to take solace in. And I intend to accept this and further growth, regardless of where it takes me, openly and thankfully, as holding back has only hurt me. I intend to further research my stance, and potentially am looking into calling myself a Warlock. I understand that term is typically given to you by others as a derogatory term, and is used for those who have been expelled from their covens. But with that said, I HAVE been ejected from everything I knew before. I’ve thrown much of it out in favor of healthier beliefs and practices, and I seem myself as not fitting in with where I was and as something of an “other.” So I feel this term resonates with me and what I am and want to be.

So, yes. TL;DR: I consider myself a agnostic Luciferian Satanist, and am hoping to study and grow fully into a Warlock. This has given me peace I haven’t had in many years, and I am happier with this than I’ve been with anything else since I was a child.

Thank you all so much for listening to me. I love you.